You Will Be Taken Advantage Of, You're Welcome (Merry Christmas)

Best read after the original song or story.

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The Real Reindeer Story

Preface: human kids are weak,

Unprepared for morbid truth;

So they made this a carol

To motivate and sooth

All children who are bullied,

And it works like a charm;

And since Santa loves human kids

We're sure they're safe from harm.

Adults, on the other hand,

Are used to the gory,

So, for transparency's sake,

Here's the longer story.

When this story started,

Rudolph was really tiny

And folks began to notice

How his nose was red and shiny.

Keeping with societal rules,

Like everything unique,

Rudolph's red nose got him banned

From every deer-school clique.

So Rudolph ran to his Mum;

She said, holding him close:

"Rudolph, one day, I tell you,

They'll love you for your nose."

Strengthened by his Mother's words

Rudolph grew bigger, better;

Meanwhile, his big, shiny nose

Grew redder and redder.

When Rudolph was twenty-one

Santa came to say

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

We're taking you away.

My scientist elves will work on you

And find the red-nose gene

And soon enough, noses like yours

Will become routine.

Until then, Rudolph, my son,

With your nose so bright

I'd like it if, on Christmas Eve,

You acted as my light;

We'll care for your parents

So you needn't worry."

The deer-school bully added,

"And you'd better hurry."

And so, to make a story short,

Trembling in fear and pain,

Rudolph's folks bid him goodbye

And never saw him again.

Now, hundreds of years thence,

When Santa flies his sleigh

A Red-Nosed Reindeer guides him

Up, up and away.

We're sure it can't be Rudolph

(No reindeer lives that long)

So we did some research

For purposes of this song;

The Head Elf only told us,

"All deer who you see leading

Are hundred percent Red-Nosed

Via selective breeding."
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